Drawing of me from a workshop by artist Rachel Mindrup.
As an artist who has performed nude, modeled nude for countless classes and artists, and spent my life creating work around my bare form, posting this article is the most naked I have felt…
On my 44th birthday, I’m coming out—not as anything new, because I’m still the same CIS white woman I’ve always been—but today, I’m stepping out of the shadows of self-criticism. I’m beginning to free myself from the habit of putting my body down, and embracing this journey, however long it may take.
My art has always intertwined with my perception of my body. Whether drawing self-portraits, using my body as a brush, or modeling for other artists, my creative work has been both a mirror and a means of reconciliation with my physical self, especially after the transformative experience of giving birth to two children.
I’m aware that my body, by societal standards, has often been deemed acceptable: white, CIS, lean. I’ve maintained a rigorous workout routine since the days when my mom, an aerobics instructor, took me to the gym in the 80s. Although my weight has fluctuated over the years, I recognize the privilege in having a body that aligns with societal norms. Sure, I’ve battled acne and psoriasis, but those are minor struggles in the grand scheme.
Yet, growing up surrounded by images of “perfect” bodies and flawless skin in magazines and movies, coupled with a family culture that idolized thinness (no blame on them—they were just reflecting society’s teachings), I always yearned to look like that. Today, social media only amplifies these insecurities, bombarding us with images of women who seem to epitomize society’s ideal of perfection (many of whom have private gyms, trainers and nutritionists, etc). I’m so over conversations among women about “dropping a few”. It’s been fuel for my already obsessive, critical thoughts about the body that faithfully carries me through life.
Throughout it all, I’ve continued to create art, championing body positivity, even while secretly critiquing my own reflection.
As I’ve entered my mid-forties, I’ve noticed my body evolving. Despite maintaining my workout regimen, I’ve embraced a curvier shape, shifting from a size 4 to an 8. I’ve tried countless methods to revert to my former size—pills, gummies, special drinks, diet changes, different workouts—but this new figure seems here to stay. (I quietly call it “love weight” because I met my boyfriend whom I fell in love with 2 years ago… 😉 )
For nearly a year, I avoided taking photos of myself—a significant pause for an artist whose work has long centered around her body. I found myself relying on old photos, feeling a pang of guilt for not being able to celebrate my current form.
My therapist encouraged me to confront these feelings and even suggested I read Easy Beauty by Chloe Cooper Jones. As I read, I remembered a conversation with my late mentor, the artist Wanda Ewing. In a moment of boldness, I asked her, “Where did you get your confidence?” Wanda, a tall, curvy Black woman who stood out in our community, replied (and I’m paraphrasing from memory),
“I wasn’t always this confident, especially in high school. But one day, I said, fuck that! Fuck society’s definitions of beauty. I work out, I’m healthy, I am beautiful, and I’m going to own it.”
Wanda Ewing: Peach and Plumb, 2010
I’ve always admired Wanda’s confidence. Her art, which celebrated the beauty of the Black female body, continues to inspire me. Wanda passed away at 43, just a month before her 44th birthday. Here I am, at 44, stepping into a chapter of life she never got to experience.
So, as daunting as it feels (and knowing I’m far from alone in this struggle, thanks to the amazing body-positive women and artists on social media), I’m saying it:
fuck that. I’m done with self-criticism, hiding in photos, and shaming myself for not fitting into society’s narrow definition of beauty.
Recent photo of me, that I hated at first, but now (trying) to own.
I’m not claiming I’ll get it right immediately, but I’m committed to trying. Because the world needs more women who own their bodies without shame. Living life without loving your whole self isn’t really living.
For Wanda. <3
To celebrate, I’m giving away my Feminist Tribute drawings for just $20 including shipping in the United States! Scroll thru my IG or website, email me by Sunday, August 18 and I’ll get it to you!
